Things You Quickly Learn When Parenting

1. You will get baby poop on your hands. There's no way around it, hope to God you're not squeamish.

2. Shopping becomes more of a chore, and that's just getting in and out of the car. Carseats may be safer but getting your child strapped in is equivalent to rigging a sail.

3. Your house will be a mess. No matter how much you clean you'll never catch up.

4. Free time is as valuable as gold, and just about as rare. Also, there is so much that you have to do that you'll end up doing none of it.

5. Choose your battles. Don't sweat the small things that your children may be doing, punish them when they do something really bad.

6. You'll be told "I don't like you" more than is warranted. Your children don't really mean it...at least that's what I tell myself.

7. Dinner is no longer a relaxing time, even with a glass or wine or beer. It becomes a race to see how fast you can eat your food before all hell breaks loose.

8. You won't see your friends as often. Parenting is a two person job so no more 18 holes on the weekend. At least while the kids are young.

9. You'll probably get fat. That's fairly self explanatory.

10. You'll need a larger car. And don't even think about buying a hatchback.

11. Finding childcare can be difficult, you may miss more days of work than usual but family always comes first.

12. Diapers are expensive, especially when going through 5-6 per day.

13. Infants usually poop right after you put on a clean diaper. I can't blame them.

14. You're going to get sick more often. Kids don't take hygiene seriously so load up on the vitamins and wash your hands.

15. You'll have to clean up puke. Again, hope you're not squeamish. But you will get used to it.

16. Second hand clothes are your friend. If you have a good second hand clothing store around you, use it. Children grow so quickly that they'll wear most of their baby clothes a couple times.

17. Sometimes babies cry for a very...long...time. It can become very frustrating when nothing soothes your child. Sometimes there's truly nothing that you can do.

18. Babies can sleep through anything except for floor creaks and door cracks.

19. Baby food has changed, there's an entire aisle at the store devoted to pouches, many or them filled with who knows what. For you yuppies, there's even organic pouches with chia and other fad foods.

20. Old women love babies, they have a natural tendency to gravitate towards babies and tell you how cute they are.

21. You can now use dad jokes officially. Just don't abuse that power.

22. You'll begin to talk with other dads about car seats and strollers rather than sports and tools.

23. Amazon becomes your best friend. If you don't have Prime, get it as soon as possible.

24. You'll confuse an overtired baby for a possessed baby. No need to call your local priest, they can't do anything for it.

25. Live in the moment. My oldest is 6 years old and that time does fly by. Much of the older generation told me this would happen but I didn't believe them. Now I do. And your parents will secretly enjoy the abuse inflicted upon you by their grandchildren. Most of us deserve it for putting our parents through hell.

Being a parent is the most difficult job in the world. You are always on duty, even when you're sick or tired. But if I can do it then anyone can. Just make sure to not overreact when things get rough. And always support your wife as they do twice the amount of work that us dads do. You can do it!