Don't Go Chasing Kids Near Waterfalls...

...Actually you probably should. Anway, I love hiking. Well, I used to love hiking when it was just my better half and myself. It's a great, and free, way to get some exercise, clear your mind and experience new things. At least it was. After having children my wife and I took a hiatus from hiking as you can't really take a six month old on a hike safely. And with breastfeeding stops it just becomes a slog to meet the next breastfeeding waypoint. And breastfeeding in the woods is probably not the most comfortable thing to do. So my wife and I waited until the children were a little bit older to introduce them to nature. I'm not sure if nature was truly ready for them. Hiking with children should be a new form of extreme sport. You can give me the tough mudder competitions or other similar races. Hiking with children puts them all to shame. I'll start with the mental aspect of this new extreme sport. You have to assure that your kids don't wander off trail. That's not too difficult as they can't move as fast as me and I make them wear bright clothing just in case. But that worry is always there. Many of our hikes contain steep drop offs. Nothing too high but enough to do some serious damage. For some reason my children start getting iffy feet near those ledges. By that I mean that they start to become extra clumsy. I'm not sure why this happens, maybe it has something to do with magnets in the rocks? Another issue that arises is that my kids, as most are I assume, infatuated with streams and waterfalls. It's like catnip to a cat. For some reason my kids like to pretend they are fishing with their walking sticks. Thus they get as close to the edge as possible and are within striking distance of getting a face full of murky water and mud. Typically this happens at the farthest point in the hike. Mentally the adults have to be on constant guard which defeats the purpose of a hike; clearing your mind. Physically speaking, hiking can be strenuous. Especially in my home state of Connecticut where we don't really have any level ground and a majority of hikes require scrambling over large boulders. This is okay, even fun, when it's just adults hiking. But add in children and it becomes an entirely different sort of activity. My wife and I conduct what I like to call the child pass off. It's like leapfrog except deadly. One of us, usually me, will climb up, then wait, grab the first child, put them on the next rock, grab the second child, put them with the first child. Then make sure my wife, who is usually hysterically yelling at this point (probably at me for choosing a hike with so many pass offs), is able to get up to the next level. Usually this is within the first half mile. At which point my youngest daughter decides that the connection between her legs and brain has temporality been severed. I am now carrying a three year old who weighs about thirty five pounds, a backpack full of water bottles and snacks, while climbing a hill with about a fifty degree angle. All this while my youngest is smacking me in the face with a stick and singing Cocomelon songs (if you don't know what Cocomelon is I suggest avoiding it at all costs, the same way you avoided two girls one cup, both will cause trauma). Carrying a child for two to three miles get's exhausting. Don't get me wrong, it's great exercise but so is carrying a cinder block around all day. Great but stupid. Typically when we arrive home my three year old has been magically healed, possibly by Jesus, and can now use her legs. It's a miracle! Now only if he could turn my water in the bottle to wine I'd be all set. Happy trails.